Fame and Fear

So - this evening I went to see "Fame" with Jared, Caitlin, and Natalie - and I was pleasantly surprised that Martin came along! :) Such a great group of friends. "Fame" was a good movie - though not exactly what I expected. The dancing was impressive, the story was somewhat lacking (or maybe it just bothered me that it was not the same as the stage show), and the singing, with the exception of one character, was "eh." But, it was a good time - and nice to hang out with people who I hadn't had time to be with in a while.

It was interesting watching the movie - seeing the kids on the screen striving to be performers and musicians - failing, feeling lonely, and other things (don't want to ruin the movie for anyone). It made me realize that I am a stronger person than I sometimes think. I feel like I have as much drive to do what each of those characters hoped to do - but I don't think I'd ever fall as low as some of them do. So, that is good to know - and a bit comforting. Makes me think everything will always be ok. :)

So - then what is it that I fear? I think I always knew, but tonight verified it in the oddest way. My fear is being alone....but in so many various ways. I don't want to be alone in the long run of life...nobody does. But, I have these strange fears related to loneliness.

Here is the story of how I realized (at 1:00am - 2:00am) that I do not like being alone:

After "Fame" I had to drive back to Bloomington. Well, if you don't know, 231 between Cloverdale and Spencer is the SCARIEST stretch of road at night. Especially when it is foggy. Additionally, there is a stretch of road where there is absolutely no cell phone service. I always lose my calls when I go through there - my mom and I joke that I need to be sure not to get kidnapped there because nobody will ever know.

Well, all I could think about tonight as I drove was, "What if a man jumps in front of the car?...What if I go off the road?....What if a deer tries to cross in front of me?" Irrational - yes. Impossible - no. And then the moment of truth...in that area we will now call "the dead zone" there is a stop sign near a gas station. At this time of night, the gas station is closed...there is no light except the blinking overhead stoplight. And while some people in this situation and state of irrational fear (What if I see a ghost!?) might choose to roll through the stop sign. I didn't dare for fear of the possibility that a police man might see and pull me over. And what if he turns out not to be a police man but a serial killer and takes me away. And I have no cell phone service. And I live alone - so nobody would know that I didn't come home.

So - I hold my breath, pull up to the stop sign, stop completely, and then the GUN it through the intersection. :)

Yes - an odd way to realize that loneliness is scary for me. And probably a very ridiculous way for me to act...I can probably take care of myself. My imagination still goes wild!

I think this proves that I have been watching too much "CSI" and "Bones." :)

Hope you all enjoy my crazy story!