Where to start...
2009 was quite a year. Moved to a new apartment in a new city. Started grad school - I'm a full-time student again. Made new friends. Tried to keep in touch with previous friends as best as I could...some better than others. Mended relationships that had fallen apart in the past. Had new relationships fall apart. Lost some very important people in my life - and have been very close to losing others. Realized I should have worked harder to maintain relationships after high school. Realized how grateful I am for where I have gotten myself, how much I have done on my own, who I owe credit to for helping me achieve this position, and who/what I have overcome to get where I am today. Know that life can't be all serious - while hard work may be important to succeed, friends and fun are what make a man happy - learning when to do each is key. Learned more about myself, what I believe, who I am, who I want to be, and struggling with the decisions to be that person I see in the future. Learning how to learn from the mistakes of those who have gone before me. Learned how much one person can hurt me, and how much I can hurt one person; learned how much one person can help me, and how much I can help one person; and learned how what happens to one person can trickle down and change so many things.
I'm sure that's not everything - but, as I said, it has been quite the year.
I didn't go out and party tonight - because, really, that's not so-much me. I didn't even watch the ball drop. I stayed in and spent time with my parents. It's been a terribly rough family year, and this time during break is for them. Chris and Courtney are growing up quickly and are gone more often than not - so, Mom and Dad are alone a lot. There are just some times when you know you need to be with your parents...even if your dad does fall asleep on the couch. :)
No resolutions this year. I never keep them anyway. I know what I need to work on in my life - and I can only hope that I am motivated to make those changes.
More of what I pray for in this new year is the fulfillment of the wishes and hopes I have for so many who have been close to me - a few of which I have listed below (without names):
- For a dear friend whose life has changed drastically due to loss, I wish you and your family peace in the new year. I hope you will grow to be strong, to move forward, and to love what you have and continue to love those who love you.
- For a close friend who has struggled with doubt, I wish you peace of mind and calmness in a time of life changing decisions and life trials. I pray that the issues of the past haunt you no longer.
- For a somewhat-distant friend who has high prospects for the future, I wish you easy travels and easy decisions. I hope that life brings you what you truly desire.
- For my friends who have fallen out of touch or grown apart, I hope you are doing well now and continue down a good path that will hopefully one day cross mine again.
- For those friends who have recently or soon will move on to "real-life," I wish you safe and easy travels, and an inner guide to success, but more importantly, happiness.
- For those still in more impressionable years, I hope you find a dear and close friend who is always there for you through good and bad and can help you to make the right decisions as you move forward.
Of course, I don't know everything that has happened in everyone's life - so for each person I pray that any hardships you have had in the past year vanish, and the new year provides a fresh and better start.
I cherish each friend I've made, and know that in some way - even if very small - me knowing you has made a difference in who I am and where I am today.
Best wishes, safety, and love in the new year - 2010.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Fame and Fear
So - this evening I went to see "Fame" with Jared, Caitlin, and Natalie - and I was pleasantly surprised that Martin came along! :) Such a great group of friends. "Fame" was a good movie - though not exactly what I expected. The dancing was impressive, the story was somewhat lacking (or maybe it just bothered me that it was not the same as the stage show), and the singing, with the exception of one character, was "eh." But, it was a good time - and nice to hang out with people who I hadn't had time to be with in a while.
It was interesting watching the movie - seeing the kids on the screen striving to be performers and musicians - failing, feeling lonely, and other things (don't want to ruin the movie for anyone). It made me realize that I am a stronger person than I sometimes think. I feel like I have as much drive to do what each of those characters hoped to do - but I don't think I'd ever fall as low as some of them do. So, that is good to know - and a bit comforting. Makes me think everything will always be ok. :)
So - then what is it that I fear? I think I always knew, but tonight verified it in the oddest way. My fear is being alone....but in so many various ways. I don't want to be alone in the long run of life...nobody does. But, I have these strange fears related to loneliness.
Here is the story of how I realized (at 1:00am - 2:00am) that I do not like being alone:
After "Fame" I had to drive back to Bloomington. Well, if you don't know, 231 between Cloverdale and Spencer is the SCARIEST stretch of road at night. Especially when it is foggy. Additionally, there is a stretch of road where there is absolutely no cell phone service. I always lose my calls when I go through there - my mom and I joke that I need to be sure not to get kidnapped there because nobody will ever know.
Well, all I could think about tonight as I drove was, "What if a man jumps in front of the car?...What if I go off the road?....What if a deer tries to cross in front of me?" Irrational - yes. Impossible - no. And then the moment of truth...in that area we will now call "the dead zone" there is a stop sign near a gas station. At this time of night, the gas station is closed...there is no light except the blinking overhead stoplight. And while some people in this situation and state of irrational fear (What if I see a ghost!?) might choose to roll through the stop sign. I didn't dare for fear of the possibility that a police man might see and pull me over. And what if he turns out not to be a police man but a serial killer and takes me away. And I have no cell phone service. And I live alone - so nobody would know that I didn't come home.
So - I hold my breath, pull up to the stop sign, stop completely, and then the GUN it through the intersection. :)
Yes - an odd way to realize that loneliness is scary for me. And probably a very ridiculous way for me to act...I can probably take care of myself. My imagination still goes wild!
I think this proves that I have been watching too much "CSI" and "Bones." :)
Hope you all enjoy my crazy story!
It was interesting watching the movie - seeing the kids on the screen striving to be performers and musicians - failing, feeling lonely, and other things (don't want to ruin the movie for anyone). It made me realize that I am a stronger person than I sometimes think. I feel like I have as much drive to do what each of those characters hoped to do - but I don't think I'd ever fall as low as some of them do. So, that is good to know - and a bit comforting. Makes me think everything will always be ok. :)
So - then what is it that I fear? I think I always knew, but tonight verified it in the oddest way. My fear is being alone....but in so many various ways. I don't want to be alone in the long run of life...nobody does. But, I have these strange fears related to loneliness.
Here is the story of how I realized (at 1:00am - 2:00am) that I do not like being alone:
After "Fame" I had to drive back to Bloomington. Well, if you don't know, 231 between Cloverdale and Spencer is the SCARIEST stretch of road at night. Especially when it is foggy. Additionally, there is a stretch of road where there is absolutely no cell phone service. I always lose my calls when I go through there - my mom and I joke that I need to be sure not to get kidnapped there because nobody will ever know.
Well, all I could think about tonight as I drove was, "What if a man jumps in front of the car?...What if I go off the road?....What if a deer tries to cross in front of me?" Irrational - yes. Impossible - no. And then the moment of truth...in that area we will now call "the dead zone" there is a stop sign near a gas station. At this time of night, the gas station is closed...there is no light except the blinking overhead stoplight. And while some people in this situation and state of irrational fear (What if I see a ghost!?) might choose to roll through the stop sign. I didn't dare for fear of the possibility that a police man might see and pull me over. And what if he turns out not to be a police man but a serial killer and takes me away. And I have no cell phone service. And I live alone - so nobody would know that I didn't come home.
So - I hold my breath, pull up to the stop sign, stop completely, and then the GUN it through the intersection. :)
Yes - an odd way to realize that loneliness is scary for me. And probably a very ridiculous way for me to act...I can probably take care of myself. My imagination still goes wild!
I think this proves that I have been watching too much "CSI" and "Bones." :)
Hope you all enjoy my crazy story!
Friday, September 11, 2009
By request...
So I've been told it has been a long time since I've updated...and it has - I just have not had any time to write! So, I'm in on a Friday night updating my blog for those of you who care to read.
So just finished week 2 at IU. No, I am not counting (as I recently told a friend during class, counting the weeks in a public forum is unacceptable). So far, so good - classes are going very well, though I am spending much more time in the evenings reading and doing homework than I ever did at DePauw - but I don't think that's because there is more work...I think I just actually have time to do it now. Of course, no evening rehearsal have started yet, so that could soon change. But for now, it is good and I'm on track. Having a good time, meeting really great people.
Had my opera cattle call audition. It went well, though I doubt I will be cast in anything - nobody at IU knows me, and that's a large part of the battle...plus there are many who are better than me. They haven't posted any cast lists yet. However, I am in the chorus for The Magic Flute...3rd time doing this show...... As much as I dislike this show, it will be good to do it again - we are doing it in German, and it is a new production assisted by Atlanta Opera. Plus, being in the chorus will give me a chance to work with the directors and let them know who I am.
I apologize now for terrible grammar or misspellings. I'm a tired boy!
Sorry it is such a very brief update...perhaps something earth shattering will come to me to post soon. :)
Hope everyone else is doing well! Keep me updated!
So just finished week 2 at IU. No, I am not counting (as I recently told a friend during class, counting the weeks in a public forum is unacceptable). So far, so good - classes are going very well, though I am spending much more time in the evenings reading and doing homework than I ever did at DePauw - but I don't think that's because there is more work...I think I just actually have time to do it now. Of course, no evening rehearsal have started yet, so that could soon change. But for now, it is good and I'm on track. Having a good time, meeting really great people.
Had my opera cattle call audition. It went well, though I doubt I will be cast in anything - nobody at IU knows me, and that's a large part of the battle...plus there are many who are better than me. They haven't posted any cast lists yet. However, I am in the chorus for The Magic Flute...3rd time doing this show...... As much as I dislike this show, it will be good to do it again - we are doing it in German, and it is a new production assisted by Atlanta Opera. Plus, being in the chorus will give me a chance to work with the directors and let them know who I am.
I apologize now for terrible grammar or misspellings. I'm a tired boy!
Sorry it is such a very brief update...perhaps something earth shattering will come to me to post soon. :)
Hope everyone else is doing well! Keep me updated!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Things I've Learned...
Well, I made it through orientation week of graduate school - now on to classes! It's been a big week both at IU and at DePauw. Seeing everyone at DePauw has brought back memories - good and bad. It's very strange to not see some of the "expected" faces that I've come to know. I guess it just feels very strange to be at DePauw for the first time when there are not any students who were in school at the same time as me - and while I do have friends at DePauw still, it's very strange to know that I've moved and am starting a new part of my life while maintaining this older part. It has been an emotional and exhausting week to say the least. I hope one of two things happen - either I learn how to keep going at this rate and balance everything, or everything just calms down a bit.
There are some things I've learned this week - some serious and some more joking. I list them below.
- Water DOES have a taste. The taste of the water in Bloomington is strange.
- While insects may be an annoyance, and less than desirable, some types really will not bother you.
- Texting is a curse and a gift. I use it to keep in touch with everyone, but there is nothing more annoying than when somebody continuously texts while you are trying to have a serious conversation.
- I'm terrible with names. I've met so many people at IU this week, and only remember 4 names...Emily, Jake, Blake, and Lariche. I apologize to everyone else for not remembering.
- Working in an office where you can be interrupted is far less productive than sitting on my couch and working.
- I remember much more about music theory than history.
- Certain people in your life make a great imprint on you. Those are the people you miss the most, and the ones who you know will still be there for you once the feeling of "missing" has faded.
- A good pair of tennis shoes is a necessity on the IU campus.
It will be quite an adventure the next few years. I miss many people and hope that I will see them all again soon.
There are some things I've learned this week - some serious and some more joking. I list them below.
- Water DOES have a taste. The taste of the water in Bloomington is strange.
- While insects may be an annoyance, and less than desirable, some types really will not bother you.
- Texting is a curse and a gift. I use it to keep in touch with everyone, but there is nothing more annoying than when somebody continuously texts while you are trying to have a serious conversation.
- I'm terrible with names. I've met so many people at IU this week, and only remember 4 names...Emily, Jake, Blake, and Lariche. I apologize to everyone else for not remembering.
- Working in an office where you can be interrupted is far less productive than sitting on my couch and working.
- I remember much more about music theory than history.
- Certain people in your life make a great imprint on you. Those are the people you miss the most, and the ones who you know will still be there for you once the feeling of "missing" has faded.
- A good pair of tennis shoes is a necessity on the IU campus.
It will be quite an adventure the next few years. I miss many people and hope that I will see them all again soon.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
On a more serious note...
I know it may seem silly to post twice in one day...especially only about an hour or so apart, but I felt this needed to be said.
I think every person has something special in their life that can greatly influence their mood or thoughts. For me, of course, that is music. It is interesting for me to see what music does to me (or sometimes does not do) - for example, if I am in a sad/bad mood I prefer to listen to music that matches that mood...a catharsis, if you will, to let it all out. Likewise, if I am happy, I'd rather listen to something "perky" or upbeat. I know others prefer the opposite, if they are sad they listen to something happy to bring their mood up.
However, I digress. Tonight I was listening to music - nothing specific...just whatever happened to play...when something I heard suddenly made me remember that I was planning to read the blog of a friend, but I never did. So, I log on to Facebook, find the link to the blog, and read. The most recent post is not a very happy one - though it is thought-provoking. He recently lost his uncle and was discussing the frailty of life and living to the fullest.
His blog did make me realize some of the things I miss - being a mentor and working with groups of people who need some sort of guidance; being part of a group - not socially - but a group that makes a difference; knowing somebody trusts to turn to me when they are truly in need. I miss the part that makes a difference. I need to find a way back to that.
During my reading, I also realized how much was lost in the last year. A close friend lost her brother - it had an impact on many of us, but it was difficult to see what she was, and probably still is, going through. Many of use mourned the loss of a great mentor, Stanley Irwin. Of course, I was not expecting it to happen - but more unexpected was the effect it had on me. There are others, but these are the first to come to mind.
I lost my grandmother just before Thanksgiving, and then my uncle just after the New Year. Both were on my dad's side of the family. Both of my mom's parents have been in and out of the hospital since April. We all know there probably isn't much time left - but nobody really wants to admit that. It has been a very trying year.
Much can happen in one year...I need to strive to make these next few year - this new "adventure" I am beginning - good, productive, and meaningful years.
I think every person has something special in their life that can greatly influence their mood or thoughts. For me, of course, that is music. It is interesting for me to see what music does to me (or sometimes does not do) - for example, if I am in a sad/bad mood I prefer to listen to music that matches that mood...a catharsis, if you will, to let it all out. Likewise, if I am happy, I'd rather listen to something "perky" or upbeat. I know others prefer the opposite, if they are sad they listen to something happy to bring their mood up.
However, I digress. Tonight I was listening to music - nothing specific...just whatever happened to play...when something I heard suddenly made me remember that I was planning to read the blog of a friend, but I never did. So, I log on to Facebook, find the link to the blog, and read. The most recent post is not a very happy one - though it is thought-provoking. He recently lost his uncle and was discussing the frailty of life and living to the fullest.
His blog did make me realize some of the things I miss - being a mentor and working with groups of people who need some sort of guidance; being part of a group - not socially - but a group that makes a difference; knowing somebody trusts to turn to me when they are truly in need. I miss the part that makes a difference. I need to find a way back to that.
During my reading, I also realized how much was lost in the last year. A close friend lost her brother - it had an impact on many of us, but it was difficult to see what she was, and probably still is, going through. Many of use mourned the loss of a great mentor, Stanley Irwin. Of course, I was not expecting it to happen - but more unexpected was the effect it had on me. There are others, but these are the first to come to mind.
I lost my grandmother just before Thanksgiving, and then my uncle just after the New Year. Both were on my dad's side of the family. Both of my mom's parents have been in and out of the hospital since April. We all know there probably isn't much time left - but nobody really wants to admit that. It has been a very trying year.
Much can happen in one year...I need to strive to make these next few year - this new "adventure" I am beginning - good, productive, and meaningful years.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Giving in...
Well, I finally gave in. It seems everyone has a blog now to keep friends and family up-to-date with happenings...so I suppose it is time that I do so as well. Also, I am procrastinating - and this provides an excellent way to spend the time.
Yes - in the words of Ellen Degeneres, "Procrastinate now, don't put it off." Excellent advice, though I don't really feel that I have time to procrastinate right now. In less than a week I will be taking my graduate entrance exams at IU to enter the MM program in performance. So, yes - I should be studying. However, there is only so much music history that a person can take in one sitting...and frankly, only so many pages about J. S. Bach that you can read before you realize that you didn't retain one word. However, I will say that I've made it most of the way through the first half of music history, which is the part that I was most worried about and with which I felt the least comfortable. There's also the theory exams and sightsinging...but that's a story for another time.
I guess the lesson of the day is to make sure that you REALLY learn information the first time around. A good lesson to have before starting another education program, but it would have been nice to have realized this years ago when I took music history the first time. Hindsight is indeed 20/20.
Anyway - enough for the evening...perhaps I should sleep.
I'll try to keep up on this blog - we'll see how it goes. The last time I tried something like this was when I was still using Xanga - I don't even remember my username or password for that now...
Yes - in the words of Ellen Degeneres, "Procrastinate now, don't put it off." Excellent advice, though I don't really feel that I have time to procrastinate right now. In less than a week I will be taking my graduate entrance exams at IU to enter the MM program in performance. So, yes - I should be studying. However, there is only so much music history that a person can take in one sitting...and frankly, only so many pages about J. S. Bach that you can read before you realize that you didn't retain one word. However, I will say that I've made it most of the way through the first half of music history, which is the part that I was most worried about and with which I felt the least comfortable. There's also the theory exams and sightsinging...but that's a story for another time.
I guess the lesson of the day is to make sure that you REALLY learn information the first time around. A good lesson to have before starting another education program, but it would have been nice to have realized this years ago when I took music history the first time. Hindsight is indeed 20/20.
Anyway - enough for the evening...perhaps I should sleep.
I'll try to keep up on this blog - we'll see how it goes. The last time I tried something like this was when I was still using Xanga - I don't even remember my username or password for that now...
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